All:
Once in the newsgroup, our favourite newsgroup,
In a strange spot we call X-Ville,
Discussing the story, of our fav'rite heroes
Two little agents, dear Moose and Squirrel,
And creepy things happened, yeah ooky stuff happened,
To our fav'rite agents, dear Moose and Squirrel.
Moose and Squirrel, Moose and Squirrel,
Basement office, at FBI,
Moose and Squirrel, Moose and Squirrel,
Red-head doc and quirky guy,
Flukes and Tooms, and clones galore, yes,
Kidnapped sister, bugs in ice!
Moose and Squirrel, Moose and Sqirrel,
Find the truth, expose the lies...(big cheesy musical flourish)
Mulder:
Hear me now O you bleak and incredulous world,
Unbelieving, uncaring unkind,
I stride out with my trenchcoat so bravely unfurled,
The e-lusive truth sure to find,
I am I, Fox Quixote,
Spooky Agent Mulder,
Weird, creepy things call and I go,
Looking for Sam, my sister,
And alien spaceships,
On each and on every show
Scully:
I'm Scully, yes I'm Scully,
I stick by my partner through thick and thin,
But when we have a conflict,
He will ditch me, yet again...
Byers:
We've got your truth right here, now if the coast is clear,
We'll explain UFO's in the stratosphere,
We'll tell you, tell you, oh all that we can tell you,
The real truth we will tell you, tell you...(etc.)
Frohike:
I think that Scully's fine, Hope she's my Valentine,
Just another nerd who after her does sadly pine, Scully, Scully,
Oh, so hot is our Scully, anyone one can plainly see, Scully...(etc.)
Langly:
Now just check out these stats, well would you look at that,
The Pentagon security was pretty quick to crack, to crack, to crack,
yeah it was so quick to crack...(etc.)
Byers:
Well, see, the UFO'sm we've found a ton of those,
Disguised as clouds, this photograph, it clearly shows...(etc.)
Frohike:
I think that Scully's hot, though not a chance I've got,
Guess I'd better start unravelling the secret plot...(etc.)
Langley:
They've digitized the stuff, but hey, not well enough,
And finding those top secret files it shouldn't be too tough...(etc.)
Byers:
Well, here's exhibit "b" and you can plainly see,
That Elivis was the only one who shot Kennedy...(etc.)
Frohike:
Well, you know it seems, We might blow CM's schemes,
(Wish I could get Dr. Scully out of all my dreams)...(etc.)
Langly:
I'm tops at hacker school, you know I'm tough to fool,
But I think that this encryption code is really cool!
Byers:
Coast is clear-
Frohike:
Scully's fine-
Langly:
Look at that-
All:
We've got the truth, right, here!
Scully:
Got a feeling '98 is gonna be a good year,
Especially if you and me can get together!
Mulder:
Soon it's '98, I'm ready for a new year,
Will Carter drag out U-S-T forever?
Both:
I had no reason to believe it'd really happen,
But somehow now I sense a change of weather
Scully:
Got a feeling '98 is gonna be a good year
Mulder:
Your future is with me now
Scully:
Especially if you and me can get together!
Mulder:
Our future will be freedom,
Soon it's '98, I'm ready for a new year
Scully:
And I've such a hope for love
Mulder:
Will Carter drag out U-S-T forever?
Carter (cameo appearance):
You can bet your life!
Both:
I had no reason to believe it'd really happen
I guess we'll be platonic friends forever...
Mulder:
AT night X came to me, Deep Throat the same,
The Uniblonder too, they call my name,
Just when I'm fully lost, and have no clue,
The Seeeeeeeecret Informant are there, out of the blue.
X:
A handy plot device, that's what we are
DT:
Dangerous living though, watch out for cars
Uniblonder:
Not all things die, I say, But if I do,
Mulder:
Anoooooother Informant is there, out of the blue!
Small Yappy Dog Chorus:
There was a yappy dog, A smallish dog, a snappy dog,
Queequeg, he was our fav'rite dog!
He had a bushy tail, a smallish snout, had to go out,
Barked all the time yes, without fail.
He came from a scary case, he ate his owner's face,
Till Da-Na Scully took him home, gave him a milk-bone.
He did not softly tread, A gator ate, him, now he's dead,
(sniff) Our friend Queequeg, now he's dead!
Yap-a-yappa-yap-yappa-yap, yappa-yappa-yap yap yap (etc.)
"Samantha;":
When we were younger, playing Stra-te-go,
Dear brother watched me be kidnapped, you know,
Those aliens, they wanted me for clones,
But now I'm back-so a small welcome home,
Is what I'm hoping that my bro will say,
You watched me float away! (Chorus: He saw you float away?)
Oh no, you could not make me stay, there was no way,
Screaming "Fox!" it was all I could say--
I am your sister (Chorus: she is your sister),
And I have traveled the galaxy far (Chorus: far!),
I am you sister (Chorus: she is your sister),
D-N-A floating around in a jar,
I know you can hardly believe it, don't look like the Mulders at all!
But I'm your sister, victim of casting calls.
Chorus, individual players take lines:
I don't know, Moose, she doesn't seem quite right,
Could be just a big hoax, yes she could,
Who do identical ones keep poppin' up,
Unless she's up to no good!
Mulder:
Gee, I don't know--what does it take--
"Samantha;":
Well, ok, I admit, I'm a fake!
I'm not your sister (Chorus: not your sister),
Just another cruel yank on your chain (Chorus: Ouch!),
I'm not your sister (Chorus: she's not your sister),
Viewers enjoy seeing your look of pain (Chorus: they love it),
Just think if we solved all your anguish,
The plot would have no-where to go!
So I can't be your sister---now get on with the show!
Mulder:
There was a time sis was unkind, called me "butt munch",
While we watched the TV,
Now I soend time just trying to find, the smallest of clues,
The search consumes me,
There will be a time---when I'll find yooooou....
I dream I'll find my sister Sam, It has become my great obsession,
I try to sort theough all the shams,
Each time I think I've learned my lesson,
But the clones, they came at night,
Never knew which ones I could trust,
Lose all obejecti-vi-ty,
Even when the lead's a bu--u--u--u--ust!
And so I keep on with my quest,
In spite of logical objections,
Every week becomes a test,
Of my will to lack perception,
How long until I find my sis?
And get to stop acting like such a schlep!
Have a feeling the plan is--
She'll show up in the fi-nal...ep!!!!
LP:
Every time I think of it, I don't understand,
Why you all just love this ep that I long have panned,
M.I.B.s and aliens with ciggies in hand,
Lord Kim-bote, thou art too weird,
This stuff I can't stand!,
Making light of M and S is always pre-car'ious,
Either "sucks" or else winds up as totally hilar'ious!
You say there is no truth (say there is no truth now...),
It makes me want to puke... (yeh it makes her puke now...),
Chorus:
Jose Blows, Chunks From Space,
Scully and Mulder's bizar-ro case,
Jose Chung's Outer Space,
Yappi lends us his annoy-ing face,
Jose Blows, Chunks From Space,
Is it a gem? Or a wild Goose Chase?
Jose Chung's Outer Space
LP:
Wish it would dis-ap-pear wihtout trace!
Tooms:
Do you hear the victims sing?
Singing the song of murdered men?
It is the screaming of a people,
Who will not be seen again,
When the beating of your heart,
Slows to a deathly silent hum,
There is some fun about to start when the monsters come!
Incanto:
Will you give all you can give so that the monsters may rejoice?
Some liver, fat or blood,
As if you really have a choice!
The sewers and basements will echo with sweet monster noise!
Boggs:
Will you join in our crusade?
Who will ignore mythology?
Somewhere beyond the Mulder-angst,
Is there a world you long to see?
Do you hear the victims scream?
Say, do you hear the distant guns?
It is the future that we bring when the monsters come!
(a chorus comprising of Flukey groaning in a monotone, trying to sing as best as he can with his Flukey mouth, and the Peacocks doing an interpretive dance)
Victim #1:
Mutants, the Mutants, who eat up your guts,
Leave you to bleed, From necks down to butts,
Mutants, the Mutants from Flukesy to Tooms,
They spell out our certain doom.
Victim #2:
Psychos, the Psychos, who cut you up well,
Remove body parts, shoot you all to hell,
Psychos, the psychos, who'll cut you up good,
Leave you in a pile of blood.
Victim #3:
The Fungus---it can be a killer,
Athlete's Foot, Got a fatal case,
The bright side, is after you've had it,
Your own penicillin will grow on your face!
All:
Victims, we're victims, so pump out the gore,
Autposy us, then cut us some more,
Victims, we're victims, you missed us? Don't freak!
We'll have a new one---next week!
Krycek:
When you're a rat, you're a rat all the way,
From your first double-cross , to your last prison stay,
When you're a rat, you let shit hit the fan,
Then you run really fast like a weasel-ly man,
You never sleep well,
You always keep an eye out.
FBI for a spell,
Or rubbin' some poor guy out,
Just give me a try-out!
Oh yes I am a rat (yeah!)
So look out you fools,
Cancer Man, I won't rest,
'Till Alex Krycek rules,
'Till A-lex Kry-cek ruuuuuuuuuuuuules!(yeah!)
CM:
Consortium's gonna have its way, tonight!
Skinner:
I'm gonna punch him in the face, all right!
CM:
That little Mulder punk'll find out,
I'm more than just his uncle, no--oo doubt, Tonight!
Skinner:
I'm gonna tell him tonight,
Won't do his bidding no more,
Stub out his damn cigarettes,
And maybe even the score
CM:
I'm gonna shock him
Skinner:
I'm gonna stop him
Both:
No Mr. Nice Guy, no more...tonight!
Uniblonder:
Marita's gonna get her kicks, tonight!
I'll give Mulder his fix, tonight,
Just barely enough info, he'll still lack,
Enough to do much damage, He'll keep coming back! Tonight!
Mulder:
X-Files, X-Files, don't close up in the while,
I go to Russia, I'll be away
Scully:
X-Files, X-Files, Moose, why is it your style,
To ditch me back here, I have to face-
Both:
Some co-ongressional hearings, they want to get real nasty,
And shut us down all right,
Answers we need,
The truth, no if's or but's or maybe's and no "Might's"
Tonight!
All:
Buzz buzz buzz, bitch bitch bitch,
And a couple of "what the heck's",
That's how, on-line, we pass our time,
In the merry old Land of X!,
We all trash and smash, And then we give net-picks,
Tell which eps we love, and which have made us sick,
It's a big kick!
Who's Mulder's dad? Is Blondie bad?
Will Moose and Squirrel have sex?
That's how, on-line we pass our time
In the merry Old Land of X!
Scully:
Don't cry for me Agent Mulder, the truth is, I'll never leave you,
Although you ditch me, And get me kidnapped,
I'll still be here when, you get your hand slapped.
And as for dating, and as for friends,
Well who really needs them I say?
I prefer to stick by this obsessive guy,
Who got my dog killed.
I'm not saying he willed it to turn out that way,
No matter; whatever he does,
By his side I always will stay... (repeat chorus)
CM:
X-Files, just another part of,
A mysterious enigma that you can't get to the heart of,
My schemes-beyond all com-pre-hen-sion,
Sloppy plot twists? Or more dramatic tension?
Some think, I am Mulder's father,
If you want the truth--hah! you needn't bother,
...I kill presidents...subvert justice...and find time to...waterski...
X-Ville Players Chorus:
Lungs Full of Cancer and a heart of granite,
The perfect villain for conspira-cies,
Lungs Full of Cancer; if he's so smart, dammit
Why does he publish in "Les Venues Sleze"?,
Consortium's puppet or "eminence grise"?,
He runs the world and still he has a wheeze!
LP:
We watched last night, that FBI director,
I thought he'd have to suck up and obey,
The Cancer Man, and that nasty old Consortium,
But what we saw, it blew us all away...
Well, Skinner he said "Shut UP!"
"Shut Up! I'm tired of you..." (Chorus repeats)
I don't care if I get shot up,
Long as I get in a good punch or tow,
All:
Shut up, shut up shut up shut up,
Shut up, he's tired of you,
LP:
And then I thought, well, this won't work with Mulder,
He'll still let Moose pull all the stuff he pulls,
But Walter, he,
Let Moose and Squirrel know firmly,
That Skinner's tired of bending the rules,
Well, Skinner he said "Shut UP!" (shut UP!)
&quo;Won't let your little tricks pass",
Skinner he said "Shut UP!",
"Pucker and kiss my ass!",
"No I set my own agenda,"
I gave Krycek more than just a love tap!
All:
Shut Up! shut up shut up shut up
"I won't take any more crap!"
(Repeat Variations to end...)
Pendrell:
Many a lab boy will just give up hoping,
Simply accepting we don't have a life,
So he'll ignore any chance at eloping,
With any agent of the female type,
I have a dream, and her name's Dana Scully,
I know there's one certain redhead for me,
One day she'll look at me with new perception,
And more than just little "Lab Boy" she'll see...
Hopeless you may say, Hopeless, I will stay...
Waiting for my Scully, and happy am I,
To be useful whenever she drops by,
Sighing for my Scully, I'll never give up,
'Til she sees me as more than a lost pup,
Though she only comes down When a sample's around,
That I have just analyzed,
Some day soon it will be That Da-na looks at me,
I believe, then she'll see...
That, here's her Pendrell dearie, so cute and so meek,
And she'll make me her own beloved---geeeeek!
Mulder:
Tell me, before I beat you up again,
Before slapping you upside the head,
Why is there something about you,
That keeps me from simply ensuring you stay dead,
Tell me, the reason I don't go and kill you,
Revenging the people you've shot?
Why do we just end up staring, and glaring, when we should be,
Furthering the plot?
Krycek:
Tell me, why is it you can't see the answer,
Perhaps this was just meant to be,
More than a small simple case of,
Hero meets rat-author-of-villainy!
Deep down, dear PUNK!, you know that you like it
Our constant vi'lence, it's fate,
A case of some mutual attraction,
Not gravity but more likely what's known as the flip side of hate!
Both:
There's attraction, ever around, can't deny it,
Too bad the Fox net execs just won't buy it
Krycek:
So, Moose, my advances,
Remain only glances
And beatings,
But someday I'll say,
It was all just foreplay,
But not now, dear,
So---Ka-POW! dear!!!
Marita:
Fox-y Mulder, you'll get seduced, yeah,
You're such a sweet little dreamer!
When I set your sex-life a-spinning,
Think of it as work, not sinning.
Scully:
"Fox-y; Mulder?" You'll be reduced, yeah
You little tramp, you blonde schemer,
What kind of plot are you spinning?
What kind of sin are you sinning?
Oh, the guilt I'm pinning,
On you, you evil plotter,
I'll make your plotting totter,
Listen to me, Uniblonder,
It's Dana of whom Mulder's fonder!
'Shipper Chorus:
What are you doing, you Ma-ri-ta?
You Mulder-pursuing-slut, Ma-ri-ta!
Why do we hate you, oh Ma-ri-ta?
Forever we'll bait you, oh Ma-r-ta!
Marita:
I'm just another informant.
Scully:
You expect me to go for that?
Marita:
Negligee's by chance, completely.
Scully:
You smile a little too sweetly!
Shipper Chorus (with Scully):
We don't believe you, you Ma-ri-ta!
What will it achieve you, you Ma-ri-ta?
Don't give Moose suggestions, you Ma-ri-ta!
Sex out of the question, with Ma-ri-ta!
Marita:
If Mulder wakes up beside me...
Shippers (together):
He'll call you coy-o-te ugly...!
Marita:
So what if I double-cross for sex...?
Scully:
Don't forget what happened to X...!
(they dance, music swells,etc..."Marita! Ole!")
"Scully":
On this night, of the shipper's dreams, let me take you to heaven's door,
For some so-long-awaited scenes of Moose and Squirrel "amour"
Mulder:
I'm a-glow, with a burning light, passion of great intensity,
On this Shipper-blessed magic night, forget U.S.T!
"Scully":
Shippers have dreamed that our kiss would be as hot as this,
I can hear all the sighs,
As you're caressing my hair, Romantic ones, they will dare,
To hope it's no lie---ie!
Mulder:
Tomorrow's light will reveal all the passion we'll steal,
How the time will fly!
Both:
On this night---on this night--on this night of the shippers' dreams,
We will make TV history, yes we'll pull our own "Moonlighting",
For-get U.S.T......!
CM:
To end it all we came, in a big burst of flame, the same,
Way we solve each disclosure mess, When the Consortium's in distress,
Consortium will triumph, once again we know,
Oh when the X-Files records, up in flame they go,
Every trace gone, yes, disappeeared, From here!
We'll end this little Game (Mulder & M-I-E chorus: Tragedy!)
To stop darn Moose & Squirrel we came! (Tragedy!)
They got a bit too close we fear (Tragedy)
So we'll burn every record here (Tragedy)
The Consortium will triumph in a blast of heat! (The Consortium will triumph, all our efforts gone!)
The truth will be destroy-ed in the silent street (Every record will have vanished in this frightful dawn!)
Like fog melting after the dawn (In this frightful dawn)
It's gone! (It's gone!)
Mulder:
All of my dreams will end! My efforts foiled again!
Evils laughs and Cancer Wins! All I toiled upon!
It's gone!
Skinner:
Mulder's run off, once again he, Has endangered all of our work!
Don't know if we can save him, I could really slap the jerk!
Marita:
Scully, help us save Fox Mulder, Leave the kid-he's just not your prob!
Mulder's alone against the Consortium--you could lose much more than your job!
Scully:
X-Files in danger, it's true, But little Kevin is too, Don't know just,
quite what to do---
Gates:
Run and help your little partner! The kid is rightfully mine!
Scully:
All our work could be destroyed, and two lives are now on the line!
Gates:
Go and save your precious partner, let me have this little pup
All:
Better find a resolution! This episode is almost up!
Marita:
We'll leave her here, now, we've Mulder to save
Skinner:
Once again keep him, out of the grave,
It's your turn, Scully, to make up your mind!
Gates:
You all get out!
Marita:
Let's not wait in line!
Gates: (to Scully)
It's not your fight! Why don't you leave?
Scully:
You will not harm him! No, here, I stand! I cannot leave him,
In your crazy hands!
Gates:
He's got to die, written in the sky (Scully: You will not harm him!)
He'll be dead soon, a good sacrifice (Scully: I make my stand)
You must do what you should, (Scully: I will not leave him)
Don't spill your partner's blood (Scully: In your crazy hands)
This boy will have to die, go save your dear X-files! (Scully: Don't touch that little boy)
Things don't look good, for your Mulder dear (Scully: And do not test my will!)
He's in danger here, a sniper's marking him (Scully: I'm warning you, for him)
Snipers have Mulder clear!(Scully: I'll kill!)
You'd better run, don't wait,
To save your partner dear,
You must not hesitate!
Scully:
What choices are there now? None of them do appeal!
Must save them both--but how?
Must use my nerves of steel! (To Gates) Don't go anywhere, Mr.!
Gates:
You'll get your partner killed!
Scully:
Not if I aim just right
Not if you'll---just---hold---still!
All:
Squirrel saves the hour! Moose is in time!
Consortium's power, put into decline!
They think that they, burned all the files,
They simply missed the back-up disk! What perfect style!
There'll be no vict'ry, for men of night,
We'll still be able to find "truth and light",
Yes, Moose and Squirrel---have saved the---world!!!!!
(U.F.O., or possible stealth plane, passes over-head)
Scully:
I could not belive you, called you off your head,
Now I've been abducted, you weren't nuts when you said,
"We Are Not Alone, The Earth Is Not Alone.."
Mulder:
Scully, when you left me, I thought you'd gone for good,
Sorry it took such trauma, now you think like you should,
We are not alone, the Earth is not alone.
Scully:
Still could be a mistake, Believing Mulder
Mulder:
It's not a mistake!
E pur si mu-o-ve...
We are not alone
Scully:
Maybe we're alone...
Found this little thingy, embedded in my skull
Mulder:
See? It makes your scoffing, completely void and null...
Both:
Just might be the truth, now...
"We are not alone..."
Mulder:
To dream of completing this task
Scully:
To hope against reas'nable hope!
To find just the smallest of answers.
Mulder:
And to make CM look like a dope!
Both:
This is our quest! We look to the stars! The answers are out there,
Though so faint and so far,
We'll string viewers along---how much longer you ask?
Least a 5 season run, till we finish our task...
And we know, we can't trust any-one
Scully:
'Cept for Moose
Mulder:
'Cept for Squirrel
Both:
In success we'll not bask,
Till we solve, an unsolvable mystery...
To compete...the impossible task!
(segues into gentler music. They are joined on stage by entire cast, even the Surly Russian Chorus, the Deaf Wolf Ballet, and of course, the X-Villian Chorus!)
All:
There's a show for us, right here a show for us.
CC:
Suspend disbelief and we're almost there
Chorus:
Praise to CC--he will take us there!
All:
Yes the--truth is---out there!
(All join hands, with beatific expressions. The spaceship zooms overhead once again (what the heck, we buy a spaceship for the X-Ville Theatre, we may as well use it in at least two scenes.))